Matador Review

A Quarterly Missive of Alternative Concern

Nicholas armando Renteria


"omni"

 

-presence
 

Your Free SEO Evaluation
from: jake@seomasters.com
to: info@whitehope.com
sent: 09/23/2017; 2:42 p.m.


Hi Jeremy,

Thank you for choosing SEO Masters for your Search Engine Optimization needs!

I have reviewed your website whitehope.com and have completed your Free SEO Evaluation, and based on our proven criteria I have given your site an SEO score of 2.4/10. The basic breakdown of your scoring* is as follows:

Overall Relevance: 3.7
Overall Authority: 1.8
Readability: 4.9
Site Visuals: 1.7

* Overall score is weighted based on proven SEO Masters ranking criteria.
Full scoring/weighting details available in SEO Masters Toolkit.
 

Let's look at some of the factors contributing to these scores!

One of the more positive factors is your domain name. "White" is a major keyword used in search engine inquiries by your target demographic, and since it is the first word in your domain name this does help your ranking.

By this same idea, you could add relevance to your site by increasing the use of some keywords that are more likely to be used by your target search audience, such as "power" and "supremacy" just to name a few.

In a quick search, I found dozens of higher ranked websites similar to yours that favor more direct wordings like those listed above to the more ambiguous ones used frequently on your site such as "unity" and "growth." The more of those direct and highly searched keywords in your site's content, the bigger the boost in search engine relevance.

A well managed tag or category system to link/archive different content is also an SEO necessity. You can find more information on which system is best for your site in the SEO Masters Toolkit linked below!

Unfortunately, there are also several factors negatively impacting your site's ranking.

Most of these negative factors fall into the category of authority, which largely refers to the number and quality of links to and from your website. Most of the outbound links on your website are to other sites with low SEO rankings, and I was unable to find any inbound links to your website from other sites or blogs. Finding ways to generate interest from more high ranked websites will be crucial if you want to improve your own ranking.

Also, while your website has high desktop readability, it could use a mobile-friendly version and an overall cosmetic touch up. You want your website to look as professional as possible on all devices so your visitors will view your site's content as trustworthy and authoritative.

To help your audience find your website faster and more easily, click here and access the SEO Masters Toolkit now!

Thanks again for choosing SEO Masters for your Free SEO Evaluation!

 

Best regards,
Jake Tiplitzky
SEO Evaluator & Advisor
SEOMasters.com

We understand that the global exposure of your website is a high priority. Thank you for choosing SEO Masters to help share your ideas with the world!


-potence
 

ACCOUNT SUSPENDED
from: donotreply@werealladultshere.com
to: johndont@me.com
sent: 02/12/2017; 10:28 a.m.


Dear John,

It has been brought to our attention by multiple third parties that you have violated our Terms of Use. As a result, we have suspended your account indefinitely.

The terms violated are as follows:

14.1.3 During all in-person meetings initiated via We're All Adults Here, members agree to abide by all 'safe-word' verbal contracts which are predetermined and entered into knowingly by all parties involved.

14.1.4 During all in-person meetings initiated via We're All Adults Here, members agree to only make use of designated instruments (see 19.1.1 and 19.1.2) which are predetermined and agreed upon by all parties involved.

16.2.1 While We're All Adults Here recognizes the importance of personal and sexual freedom, for reasons of safety and liability members agree to abstain from all forms of physical activity involving the permanent physical alteration and/or mutilation of other members WITH OR WITHOUT THE PERMISSION OF THE MEMBER(S) INVOLVED.

Your profile has been removed from We're All Adults Here and your account has been locked to prevent login. Should the status of your account be reopened at a later date for further evaluation, you will be notified via email at this address.

Thank you.

If you believe you have received this email by mistake, click here. This email was automatically generated. Do not reply.  


-science
 

Notification of Personal Tragedy
from: andrew.rycroft@mountainfreshwipes.com
to: [Employee List]
sent: 11/03/2016; 8:42 a.m.


Dear Angela ,

You are receiving this email because one of your Mountain Fresh Wipes® colleagues has recently experienced a personal tragedy. The details of the tragedy are as follows:

Affected Employee: George Schneider
Type: death of a loved one
Notes: wife, gunshot, self-inflicted
Date of tragedy: 11/02/2016
Grief rating: high
Affected Employee out of office until: 11/07/2016

At this difficult time for George the following forms of condolences have been approved based on HR regulations and the Affected Employee's personnel profile and tragedy type:

supportive pat on the back/shoulder, consensual hug, letting Affected Employee know you are there for them (nonsexual invitation), offering to talk over coffee or lunch (nonsexual invitation), sending Mountain Fresh Wipes® Employee E-Sympathy Card

The following forms of condolences have NOT been approved based on HR regulations and the Affected Employee's personnel profile and tragedy type:

non-consensual hug, offering to talk over alcoholic beverages, offering to talk during on-the-clock work time, buying gifts for Affected Employee, asking Affected Employee questions about details of tragedy, sending humorous but inappropriate email chains to cheer up Affected Employee

To send the Mountain Fresh Wipes® Employee E-Sympathy Card to George  and let them know you care, click here.

If you have any questions about the details of the tragedy or appropriate forms of condolences not listed in this email, please contact your designated HR representative.

Sincerely,

Andrew Rycroft
HR-Personnel Liaison I
Human Resources Department

Mountain Fresh Wipes®


Nicholas Armando Renteria graduated Summa Cum Laude with a BA in Creative Writing and a minor in Mathematics from the University of Colorado. He has now published his first online short story courtesy of the fine editors at The Matador Review, but he also has work forthcoming in the inaugural issue of the Portland-based print zine, De Nalgas. He lives in Denver, Colorado.